I Am A Slacker. Also, Offices Are Awkward.

I have not updated for ages. What a slacker.

I want to talk about my job. My job is fairly boring when I think about it. I work in a medium-sized department store where I help serve customers and do random office things, like staple paper and write on paper and fax paper and look at paper then give the paper to other people. The paper cuts are vicious and the staples are sharp, it is a dangerous occupation for sure.

Anyway, there was a reasonably awkward moment at work the other day. I work reception for the accounts office in the store, and when a customer comes up to the counter I go up and help them. The store was super quiet and I could see one old lady wandering around the displays near our counter, so I kept doing whatever important work I was doing (stuffing envelopes, oh the joy) and kept an eye on her. I noticed that she had walked up to the counter and was standing there, so I stood up and went over. However as soon as I reached it, she turned and walked away, leaving me standing there with my mouth hanging open like a fool, about to launch into my “Hi-there-how-can-I-help-you-today” speech. So I sat down behind my desk again and began mindlessly stuffing envelopes again.

The awkwardness did not end there. Not once, not twice, but FOUR more times, the old lady would approach the counter and stand there until I started walking towards her, then abruptly turn and hurry in the opposite direction. I briefly considered chasing her down but this would mean leaving the phone unattended, an offense punishable by death in my office. As she returned yet again, staring me right in the eye, I wearily stood and went over to her. To my surprise she didn’t attempt another runner, but just looked at me. We stared each other down until she broke the super awkward silence by saying “Excuse me, is this the [name of local bakery]?”. I had to resist the temptation to slam my head down on the desk, and instead politely informed her that this was a clothing department store and no, we do not sell delicious baked bread-y things.

I will update again in a few days. Until then, I will stuff envelopes until my brain explodes from built-up boredom, or I am injured in a freak office staple-photocopier-phone accident.

Offending People and Being Old Before Your Time

Sometimes when I’m talking to people I say things without really thinking about them first. The result is usually hilarious and often offensive. For example, yesterday I was with some friends when my friend Hannah said “do you guys know what song Rihanna should sing?”, to which I replied “Hit Me Baby One More Time?”. Needless to say, Hannah was furious (she is a huge fan of Rihanna apparently, which makes me reconsider being friends with her), but I stand by my suggestion.

Also I swear that I am going deaf and getting senile at the ripe of 20. Occasionally when having a conversation with someone, I simply cannot make out what they are saying and end up nodding enthusiastically, hoping that I haven’t just agreed to something insane/illegal/boring. I drink so much tea and coffee that I could out-drink a 90-year old grandmother in a tea-off, and still have room for a biscuit. Sometimes I go to bed at 9pm just because I can. The other day I realised, to my horror, that I had used the words “gosh”, “lovely” and “splendid” within the course of a five minute conversation. It was simply unacceptable. On the bright side, old people can get away with being offensive and downright rude 'because they're old'.

While my decline into the elderly life is going to be swift and inevitable, I am going to try my best to fight it off. I have the maturity level of a toddler, which helps, but this could also be mistaken for dementia. I look youthful enough and can still occasionally get away with purchasing a child’s ticket at the movies. So I’ll hold onto these last remnants of my adolescence for as long as possible, or at least until I go to bed at 9pm after my cup of tea and a biscuit.

This picture: Me and some friends, in about two years.